my story of depression.

For seven and a half years, I tried to understand why my child died. She was thirty one years old and had a long life ahead of her. She was a mom. I could not fathom why SHE had to die. I could not face my loss for a long time and it was ugly. I became half a mom as now I had only one child left in my life.

My hatred for the world was beyond my own comprehension. It transferred to the ones that I had loved. And I hated myself. I hated God everyday. My hatred told me I really had no reason to still be here.

I put myself in a box called my home. My personal box was my bedroom. I slept. Then I did not sleep. I wept and then I became more hateful. I did not eat much then I would gorge anything type of food that was not nailed down in place. I did not want to bathe or shower. I looked like a walking zombie. I did not care about anything. It was my safe place to be sad and alone. The sign on the door of my dark room said “Do not enter!” “Stay out!” 

My family members could see and smell the hatred. It was eerily intimidating as I had been a strong person for many years. They would try to approach me but they were not able to penetrate the force field created by the person they loved.

Anything and everything that I did was really messed up. I felt like I was losing my mind. I tried to run a new business and failed. I lost my job as a Realtor. Everything I touched was be destroyed by my hatred. Gambling became a friend or a source of pain relief.  I was a broken person. 

I tried to find answers to resolve my hatred but there was an overwhelming cause that was even more difficult to face. My hatred had a friend, it was called Depression. I did not want to face its friend because it would mean that I accepted the reality that I was hiding from. I could not see it so it could just be there in the dark room with me. It was there but it did not have a name until now. Depression became my best friend.

I was a monster and it was not comfortable to be like this. I wanted to be better but I did not know how to do it. I was tough (yeah, right) and I could figure it out on my own. I bought books and started reading about depression and other mental disorders. I started waking up but was not quite ready to face the real world. 

I took a step backwards and it was bad. I felt like I did not deserve anything that had been a part of my former life. I abandoned everything and left my family and my home. I just wanted to be away from the real world. This step cost a lot of money and agony for those miles away from me. I had to go back home and face the music. It was not a good playlist. 

For the following six months, I faced my depression. I dealt with it head on. I got that I needed to get better. There were many bad choices made on my part but I said, “Here I am! I can face anything now! Let’s go!” And we did. Little by little, my dignity was further chewed away by those in need of answers. I gave them the answers and am humbly paying the price for the damage I have done. The price is still being paid today. Humbly and graciously I am putting the pieces back into a new normal for my life.


the mental umbrella

mental umbrella

There are different noises and events happening around us all the time. We learn to tune them out and diligently move forward with the task at hand. It can be so easy. Or not! That is why a person needs the Mental Umbrella to stay focused on what to do. 

Finishing tasks before us can be challenging if distractions constantly disrupt the focus. When the phone rings, children asking questions, a meal is to be made, chores need to be completed, projects need review, or a client will be arriving soon are just a few disruptions that challenge us to put our nose to the grindstone to stay focused.

Time is precious and our challenges need clear focus. The pressure builds to complete the lengthy list of duties and the time is ticking away. How are disrupting challenges met to stay on task? Look at how Alicia handled a stressful situation. 

Alicia knew the report had to be handed in earlier than scheduled but she had a flat tire. There was no way that she would be to work on time at this point. There were important things to do after work and she needed transportation. Tight finances kept her from calling an Uber, but she had to get to work. The pressure was more than she could handle.

Alicia called her mother to give her a ride to work but she still needed a car after work. “Mom, can you come and get me at lunch and let me use your car?”, she asked. “I have an appointment after lunch and that is not going to work for me,” said her mom. Alicia was becoming more frantic and concerned that she was not going to get the report turned in on time. “Give me your keys and I will have a friend fix the tire for you, then we will drop your car off before my appointment. Will that help?” asked her mother. “Yes, Mom, thank you. It will help me a lot,” said Alicia. She was thankful that she had help.

When the sky is falling and it seems like you are going to break, grab an umbrella. There are times we need help or time to restructure our tasks at hand. We spread ourselves too thin and it is not healthy. An unexpected disruption can create a mental stressor that results in panic. It could worsen the situation.

Everyone should have a mental umbrella that allows for restructuring tasks and to rethink what could be done to relieve the stress.Take the time to breathe.


Desperate Love

When a person is looking for love, it can be in all the wrong places. So, where do you look for love? That is a great question! It can be anywhere at anytime but it all is really what you are willing to settle for.
Love is great when you have the right connection and communication styles that mesh together like a great puzzle. You are just a great fit. It feels good and everything is in the proper alignment. You found the perfect match and life will be fantastic.
What if it only feels good for a short time. The whole thing that you thought was love is crumbling in your hands. It is falling down like the London Bridge. What happened to the “real thing”? Where did you go wrong? Can this be fixed? Was it me or the other person?
OMG! This happens all the time because you settled for… wait for it. Less. Yep! You are heartbroken and in despair. You were desperate for that connection with someone, anyone. You will never find your soulmate. You are doomed in ever finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with.
Wrong! Let’s look at something that is very important. Your NOT love life. Your job is the one place that you really worked hard to get and it may or may not be absolutely perfect, it is working for you.
You researched the company and found a connection with their mission. You created a resume, did an interview and got the job. Now, you are growing within an environment and learning new skills. You are growing as a person and you feel valued. Your input is important and you are making a difference. There is a purpose for you being there in this place.
The same value should be placed on your love relationship and all the other ones too. You should do your homework before you make the connected connection. Do your homework! Ask questions and find the answers before it is too late. Don’t fall too quick. Take your time. It could make a huge difference for your mental well-being.
Patience is a virtue. If you jump into toxic love infested waters, you may truly regret not doing your homework. Your heart is not really affected by your decisions, it is your brain. Inside that noggin of yours is the flight or fight or freeze mechanism and you should pay attention to what it tells you.
Every person is vulnerable when love stings or bites. Cupid is cute but separation hurts like the arrow going straight to the heart. Listen to your inner voice and never settle for less. Desperate love is never worth the price paid for not listening to your inner voice.