my brain talk

stop the chatter

I never knew or really understood what depression was until I lost a child. I went through some tough times in my life but I never called it depression. It was called Poverty, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Divorce and Bad Relationships. There were two little girls relying on me to get through and over most of those issues so they could have a better life. 

Being a parent was the greatest honor in my life. My girls were my world then and now. There were many bad choices made on my part because desperation would lead me to accept whatever came along. I did not know how to be patient because being homeless and hungry makes you take whatever might land on your empty plate.

We made it through most of the hard times. The girls became adults and had kids of their own. They have proven to be the most fantastic and amazing mothers. Ara made me a mommy and she has a boy and a girl. Lilly is my baby and had one girl. 

My heart swells with pride to know that I did a good job raising my girls despite the multiple hardships.  I was not a perfect mother. I did my best to make a better life for them. 

I learn to identify Depression and all that comes with it after my daughter Lilly was killed by a drunk driver on my birthday in 2011. This loss devastated everyone in our family. Her child suffered the greatest loss, as she had lost her dad three years before her mother. She wanted to be with her mom. This child started cutting, had traumatic nightmares and faced her own depression. I was there to help her get through it, everyone was there for her. She is doing much better now. 

Personally, I learned to hate the world. I became self-destructive, felt like I was of no value to anyone and lost my career as a real estate agent. In my mind, everything was gone. 

I gambled. I was hateful and spiteful. I wanted to die.

Through my hardships, I became strong and could tackle the world without hesitation. All my strengths became weak. The world, in my eyes, was against me now. 

My family tried to help me but I shut them down. “Get away from me” was all I could tell them. Finally, I got the help I needed to wake me out of my head. I began listening and seeing what I had done. 

The path of destruction was vast. I had to face all of it and begin a massive clean-up. My responsibility for the damage done has its downfalls. It is hard to see what was done but I am trying my best to take care of the damages that have been done on my part. 

 One part of my personal therapy is to help others find the path to their own recovery and live a better life from that point on. I am not a therapist, counselor or life coach. I am just me. 

Sharing my story as well as other information found on “my path to recovery” will hopefully help others. This is the beginning of how I want to make a difference for others in Depression, Abuse, Bad Relationships and other forms of self-destructive choices that are making life hard to live with on a daily basis. 

Join me as I share my story and other information to help others.