my story of depression.

For seven and a half years, I tried to understand why my child died. She was thirty one years old and had a long life ahead of her. She was a mom. I could not fathom why SHE had to die. I could not face my loss for a long time and it was ugly. I became half a mom as now I had only one child left in my life.

My hatred for the world was beyond my own comprehension. It transferred to the ones that I had loved. And I hated myself. I hated God everyday. My hatred told me I really had no reason to still be here.

I put myself in a box called my home. My personal box was my bedroom. I slept. Then I did not sleep. I wept and then I became more hateful. I did not eat much then I would gorge anything type of food that was not nailed down in place. I did not want to bathe or shower. I looked like a walking zombie. I did not care about anything. It was my safe place to be sad and alone. The sign on the door of my dark room said “Do not enter!” “Stay out!” 

My family members could see and smell the hatred. It was eerily intimidating as I had been a strong person for many years. They would try to approach me but they were not able to penetrate the force field created by the person they loved.

Anything and everything that I did was really messed up. I felt like I was losing my mind. I tried to run a new business and failed. I lost my job as a Realtor. Everything I touched was be destroyed by my hatred. Gambling became a friend or a source of pain relief.  I was a broken person. 

I tried to find answers to resolve my hatred but there was an overwhelming cause that was even more difficult to face. My hatred had a friend, it was called Depression. I did not want to face its friend because it would mean that I accepted the reality that I was hiding from. I could not see it so it could just be there in the dark room with me. It was there but it did not have a name until now. Depression became my best friend.

I was a monster and it was not comfortable to be like this. I wanted to be better but I did not know how to do it. I was tough (yeah, right) and I could figure it out on my own. I bought books and started reading about depression and other mental disorders. I started waking up but was not quite ready to face the real world. 

I took a step backwards and it was bad. I felt like I did not deserve anything that had been a part of my former life. I abandoned everything and left my family and my home. I just wanted to be away from the real world. This step cost a lot of money and agony for those miles away from me. I had to go back home and face the music. It was not a good playlist. 

For the following six months, I faced my depression. I dealt with it head on. I got that I needed to get better. There were many bad choices made on my part but I said, “Here I am! I can face anything now! Let’s go!” And we did. Little by little, my dignity was further chewed away by those in need of answers. I gave them the answers and am humbly paying the price for the damage I have done. The price is still being paid today. Humbly and graciously I am putting the pieces back into a new normal for my life.

 

You might ask, “Why would I follow her?” This woman has problems and she is still a work in progress after the loss of her daughter. She is still a mess. What does she have to offer me? 

Let me tell you! I do have problems. I am still work in progress after losing a child. I am still a mess. I have a great deal to offer those that want to listen and follow me as I share my journey after depression and grief. 

Real People

Every last person on the planet has problems and is a work in progress. We learn from others and hopefully, we emulate those with proven results. We are students of life. Each of us needs to be connected to someone. We only have each other to lean on. 

Every day, someone falls victim to some circumstance in life and has to recover from the pain. Dealing with severe issues in life can lead to many negative issues like some level of depression. It is tough learning to recover from the crap that is thrown at you. Life is about how you grow and love and live… a good life. 

Not everyone has a friend. Not everyone has a family. Not everyone has a support group. Is this true for everyone? No! Everyone can be anyone at any given place and time. Many times, we may feel alone or lost but we need to know that reaching out for help is vital to creating a more focused and positive change in life. 

You are not alone unless you choose to be alone. Choosing to be alone can be helpful and dangerous at the same time. Alone time can be stimulating in positive self-discovery or stimulating negative self-harm. Choosing to be alone is a clear choice. A person that is clearly going through some tough times needs to not be alone. 

Life leads each of us down many paths and we must choose which direction is safe. There are times that appear to have no dangers and then quicksand may present a danger. What happens then? Do you walk into the mire or ask someone to help you cross over the danger? 

I had to learn what to do and how to do it after I had fallen into the quicksand. I rejected help until it was too late. I wanted to be the strong person I had always been but I was not the same. Everyone knew I was not the same except for me. My vision was blinded by grief and my mind was cloaked with darkness. 

My life is forever changed after losing a child and I will always be in recovery. Am I a counselor or a coach, I could be but I choose not to be. I want to be a storyteller. My forever journey is sharing my story and hoping to make a difference to others that may be suffering from their lives. 

I am creating a website talked MyBrainTalk.com. It is about life and the lessons we learn along the way. While it is under construction, please watch for new blog posts and then visit my website after it is completed. 

Thanks and much love from a person recovering from the journeys in life. 

Leave me alone!

Depression is a state of mind that leaves a person wanting to be left alone. There are many lows in depression that is not really understood by those around a person dealing with depression. “Leave me alone” is what most depressed people feel.  It may difficult to approach a depressed person.

Mild depression should never really last more than a short period of time, a few weeks to a month is reasonable. If depression is persistent, then it can become far worse. 

Being depressed can lead to more serious concerns other than what is listed below. Self-destruction, substance or alcohol abuse and possible suicide. 

Counseling is important for anyone dealing with any type or level of depression. It allows freedom to live a more productive life. 

Depression is Symptomatic

If you are experiencing Depression, there is a reason and often it is not pretty. It is hard to understand and even harder to explain. It is a loss of some kind that has a cycle of in one’s life. 

Some of the obvious symptoms are:

  • Sadness
  • Lack of concentration
  • Lack of motivation
  • Low self-esteem 
  • Hopelessness
  • Isolation
  • Negative thoughts
  • Severe mood swings

Mild depression should never really last more than a short period of time, like a month or two. If depression is persistent, then it can become far worse.

What is causing my depression? 

Things happen in life and sometimes, we are not able to handle the change. Depression is often caused by unexpected disturbances that create change in a negative way. 

  • Loss of a loved one
  • Abuse
  • Divorce
  • Job loss
  • Illness or Disease
  • Relocation
  • Personal conflict
  • Genetics

These are major causes of depression. The list is endless but when a person is feeling depressed, there is a reason and seeking support is vital. 

Overcoming Depression

It is harder to say that one is going to “get over it” than what one thinks. There are ways to understand what is causing it but there are ways to beat it too. Talking about the cause is important. Understanding the cause is important. Addressing the cause is more important. 

It might sound “crazy” but in order to overcome depression, you must first want to overcome depression. You must want to deal with finding ways to find your new normal after the depression. How can you do it? 

First, you have to make a deal with yourself- I am going to beat the depression that is altering my life. I will make a plan to overcome my current state of mind. 

What can really make the difference? It is recreating the connections to those that care about you. Your family and friends want you back and will help you IF you ask them to help you. By asking for help, your loved ones will see that you are emerging from the current state of mind and will help you to recover. 

Strategies to Recovery

What type of activities were you involved in before the depression? Think of activities outside the home: fitness, networking, volunteering, favorite hobbies, vacationing and even a new job. You may need to force yourself to make changes, it is up to you and how soon you are willing to move forward. No one can make you do anything. 

If you are facing severe depression, you should seek professional help. 

Sunshine is the greatest cure for almost anyone. Feeling a slight breeze, walking in the park,